Discovering & clarifying our core values

Values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. ​

Values are like a compass. We use them to make choices in how we want to move and keep track of where we are going (Harris, 2009). Even in desperate situations, we have choices in being able to remain curious and open about what is important. Connecting with core values lead to meaningful action and decision making. Taking the time to clarify what is important, and reminding ourselves why we do what we do, can offer stability and reassurance in the face of uncertainties. There are two stories I would like to share in this article; one with a wonderful young man I encountered and the other being a personal experience. Each reveals a learning about the importance of knowing our values, and the compass that steers us towards meaningful work and purposeful living. 
​
The first story happens with a young man fumbling in his own darkness of drug and alcohol dependence. Needless to say, there was and remains to still be a lot of grief, pain and healing that needs to be done. After a few months into his recovery and a few weeks out of hospital, he started a beginners course in deep sea diving. He had always wanted to try doing something adventurous and different. It was a small token of celebration to himself for getting out of rehab. After sitting through theory classes for weeks, a described his first ocean dives as other-worldly, incredible and 'amazing since there are no dickheads there'. His face lit up giddy with excitement and awe when he tells his story about befriending a giant blue groper. The people he was meeting were chilled, laid back, fun and honest. More importantly, they were some of the first people he was socialising with who were not in his drugs network and unaware of what he was going through.

During his course and on each dive he completed, the instructors would expect the trainees to collect a bag of rubbish from the bottom of the ocean. With that task, he then took himself to start volunteering at the local national park participating in conservation and preservation weekends. He was able to recognise the possibility of giving back and the opportunities of pursuing more of this in his life. The environment meant something to him. Contact with nature meant something to him. Adventure meant something to him. This was all important to him.

The second story holds a mirror to myself and being honest in the midst of what feels like a mini crisis. In short, I am steering my career choices in a new direction and with that brings uncertainty.  In the face of uncertainty, I seem to easily ​​conjure up self-doubt, self-loathing,

guilt and shame. The underlying primary emotion: fear. When I rumble with these feelings, brought on by manifesting thoughts like 'I am not good enough' or 'no one will take me seriously'- my attitude and behaviour towards myself and others go a little bit south and nasty. I begin to ​compare; to envy; to resent. I'm knee-deep in my own shit creek, holding out the success measure stick and continuously trying to jump over others.  I kept asking, why do I always under value myself? Why do I not do more successful work that pays me like how all my friends get paid? Why am I even trying to start a new career at my age? It's too bloody late. No one will ever give me a chance.

In the midst of my dark corner I sat with these feelings and thoughts. After a while, a helpful hand reaches out. My loving partner, having rumbled in this arena with me time and time again, asks a simple and poignant question: What will make you happy in your own life? To that I answered, to do meaningful work and spend my life happy with you. My success will never pay in cash, but in measures of positive impact to those around me. 

These two stories shine a light on the occasional need to stop, reflect and re-clarify our values compass. Russ Harris (2009) describes in his Acceptance and Commitment Therapy model, that 

            "Values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. They're what we want to stand for in life, how we want to behave, wort of person we want to be".

There are dangers in assuming this process of clarifying values is unnecessary and that we always know what is important. Realistically, in the big world of distraction, competition and miscommunication, the best of us can often get side-tracked and find ourselves rumbling with our own dark corners because we've lost connection to our core values. In those times, take a moment to ask: What do you want to stand for in life? What do you want to stand for in the face of crisis? What domains are important to you? What valued direction do you want to move in?

Harris, R. (2009). ACT made simple: an easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications
Images by Michael Mander​