Sitting with someone who is going through something difficult is not easy because we have that nagging need to fix the problem. 

​Denial. It’s not broken, it can’t be. Otherwise, how am I able to walk on in it within days of the accident? How is it possible that I can walk up the stairs with a fractured talus and a fully-torn ATFL?

Bargaining. This can’t be happening to me. What did I do wrong?? If only I did it on top rope instead of lead. If only I listened to my body. I knew I was tired. I knew my ego had been hurt from failing to onsite the last climb. What could I have done differently? How could I have avoided this tragedy?

Anger. Why did this happen to me?! Why me? Why now? Why is it that every single time I progress into something and advance into it, I get injured? Why the hell am I so arrogant? God is punishing me for being self-centred and self-sufficient. I deserved everything that's happening to me!

Depression. I seriously just cannot be bothered to do anything. I have no energy to do my chores, to cook my meals, to shower. I have zero motivation to put nice clothes on, to put make up on, to talk to people. Don’t even get me started on seeing friends. It’s hard enough to get out of bed, let alone see the people who remind me so much of what I am missing out on.

Acceptance. This is my new normal. I need to train with an injury so I don’t fall too far behind when I get back. This is not the end. I will get better, and I will get back into it. It could have gone so much worse than it did.

These are the Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief. Common thoughts that swam around in my head after having a major injury from a lead climbing accident in January of 2018. Researchers suggest that there are about 50,000 thoughts that pass through our head in one single day. More for some, less for others. In any single day your thoughts can be dominated by negativity, on other days, with positivity, still, on other days, of unimportant, mundane things.

As you were reading all of those thoughts I so vulnerably wrote down for you, how did you feel? Was there a cringe in your stomach? An itching need to say, “hey, it’s gonna be fine, it happens”… Did you feel sorry for the person thinking these thoughts? Were you quick to rescue and want to put a band-aid on it? Were you quick to want to get to the last section, to acceptance? We’re all guilty of it. And nothing is more infuriating.

As a psychologist, I have seen this so often. I hear it regularly. I sometimes even have to wring it out of people. What is it that a psychologist or a counsellor does so differently that people open up faster than you could ask your next question?

Weeks after I broke my foot, I was in a cast for 8 weeks, in crutches, struggling to do day to day things. A very important person came to see me and sat with me at home. She didn’t do anything. I could see she felt guilty and pained at what had happened. She was my belayer when I fell. She was on the other end of my rope. She was struggling with coming to grips with what had happened as well. She didn’t say how she felt. She didn’t apologise excessively. She just sat there, regulated her own distress, and let me be in denial, angry, and depressed. She let me be while she kept herself together.

In this day and age where we live in the irony of wanting to increase mental health awareness and not knowing what to do when it confronts you right under your nose, I’d like to offer a nugget of wisdom if you would indulge me.

Empathy is not something we are born with. It is a learned skill. And as with any skill, you can get better with it through practice and training. You don’t have to be a competitive sport climber to spot a good move on the crux of a climb. You don’t have to be a Michelin-starred chef to perfectly barbecue a rack of lamb. And you don’t have to be a psychologist or a counsellor to support someone with a mental health concern. 

Learn and train yourself to sit and wait. As athletes, we are not comfortable with waiting. We are not comfortable with not doing anything. We need to train, we need to push, we need to go hard. Sitting with someone who is going through something difficult is not easy because we have that nagging need to fix the problem. We have that itching need to make people feel better and solve their problems for them. Nobody has said this to you before, but you probably already know it from experience -- Feelings don’t need fixing, they need to be heard and acknowledged. 

The best comment I heard at my lowest point was from my supervisor, who happens to be an amazing trauma-focused psychologist. She said to me, “there’s not much cognitive re-framing I can say to you right now… This is a shitty time for you”. And I couldn’t have felt better having heard someone validate how I felt.

If you know someone who is going through something, invite them out, open yourself up to the discomfort of watching someone spill out their pain in front of you, and resist the urge to “fix them”. They will thank you after. 

Grief comes in every shape, way, or form imaginable. It is an uncomfortable process, and it tends to feel unproductive if we're unable to take someone's pain away. There is an immeasurable feeling of emptiness when someone is grieving, and sitting with someone swimming through that emptiness is the best way we can help. 

About the author:
Camila is a provisional psychologist with a particular interest in working with teens and their families to manage mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, complex pain, and relationship breakdowns. She has a passion for understanding the role of athleticism, the outdoors, and engaging in stimulating conversations and connections in the promotion of better mental health. After six months of recovery, she is back lead climbing indoors, and for the foreseeable future, outdoors as well. One stage at a time.

Helpful Resources:
Lifeline is a non-profit organisation that provides free, 24-hour Telephone Crisis Support service in Australia. Volunteer Crisis Supporters provide suicide prevention services, mental health support and emotional assistance, not only via telephone but face-to-face and online. Hotline: 13 11 14
eheadspace is a confidential, free and secure space where young people 12 - 25 or their family can chat, email or speak on the phone with a qualified youth mental health professional. eheadspace.org.au 
beyondblue is an Australian, independent non-profit organisation working to address issues associated with depression, suicide, anxiety disorders and other related mental disorders. www.beyondblue.org.au
Talk to your local GP to discuss mental health plans and next steps.